


Notes And Nervous Breakdowns

by OverlyInvestedFangirl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/F, Imbolc, LGBTQ Themes, Secret Admirer, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:06:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22844521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverlyInvestedFangirl/pseuds/OverlyInvestedFangirl
Summary: Who was sending Pansy lovey notes, it was bugging her no end, and what caused Luna Lovegood of all people there right when she needed someone aside from Draco Malfoy to not hate her
Relationships: Luna Lovegood/Pansy Parkinson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30
Collections: Love Rejuvenation OS Contest





	Notes And Nervous Breakdowns

_ _

_ As springtime lovingly grows, as fast as the wild river flows, so does my heartbeat for the wild raven flower to whom I give this prose. The blossoms will bloom and sprout, and so with this note to you I let my feelings out. As the seasons are bound by nature to come and go, my heart binds me to let you know. So meet me when the season starts, where water and earth interact at their conjoined parts, when the moon shines brightly from above, we can see if these feelings develop into love.  _

"Draco…This is the fifth note this school year, who is fucking sending these?" Pansy let out a frustrated growl. It was all fine and well to have a secret admirer but there was no hint at who it could be and trying to figure it out was driving Pansy crazy. 

Calm, cool, collected Pansy was ripping her hair out over an anonymous note giver, albeit one who had a rather lovely way with words. Draco gave his now-standard response of an unknowing shrug, long used to the dramatic air Pansy imbued all her actions with. Not that he could actually tell her who it was anyway, seeing as he had about as much of an idea on who it was as she did. 

"Why not just meet with them, at least then you'll know who it is, it'll either end well or you'll jinx some poor lovesick idiot and we'll get a laugh from this whole thing," Draco suggested, knowing full well that Pansy could handle herself if the person tried anything. He could see her weighing up the pros and cons, not that he could see any cons to going. 

Eventually, Pansy let out a sigh of defeat, knowing he was right even if she didn't want to admit it. They may have been friends for as long as she could remember but he still took any opportunity possible to hold something over her. 

This time though Draco just gave a little smirk and left it at that. Which left Pansy calculating how long until she was supposed to meet this person at what she could only deduce was the shore of the black lake, where the water and sand met. 

***

It had been a week since the last note, Pansy was nervous, to say the least, which just made her even more frustrated. Pansy Parkinson did  **not** do nervous, she needed to be in control of each and every aspect she could be. 

She didn't know who she was to be meeting so how was she supposed to prepare for it? How do you choose how to act if you don't know which side of yourself will get the best reaction, what words will get the desired outcome? Hell, Pansy thought, how do you figure any of it out when you don't even know what outcome you want to occur in the first place. 

Was there someone she wanted it to be, someone she didn't want it to be? What if it wasn't a guy, was that something Pansy was OK with? She had experimented a bit the year before but still wasn't sure where she stood. Sexuality wasn't something one had a lot of time to explore while being lorded over by Voldemort. However, she did think girls were rather pretty, not that it meant anything, right?

Soft lips, smooth skin, curves everywhere, was that something she wanted, something she preferred? The lack of information was making Pansy question everything, including her own mind. Having to face her own unending line of questioning over a plethora of things she had never put much thought into before lead to many days spent in solitude, people watching as she pondered over all the possibilities. 

She came to the conclusion rather quickly that learning about yourself was far more tiresome than any N.E.W.T. study ever could be. She had spent hours pouring over the notes, trying to gain any hint or lead she could. The first ones were primarily compliments, her looks, her smarts, her personality. 

Some of the things mentioned surprised her, how did anyone notice these things, some of them she didn't even consider herself. Keen observations made by the writer, showing Pansy a side of herself she didn't think existed until an outsider pointed it out. 

Even so, why would anyone think her nose is cute? She knew she wasn't necessarily unattractive but her nose was always a sore spot for her, squashed up like a pug dog. The idea that someone actually liked it was nigh on unfathomable. 

But there was a small spot deep within, one Pansy tried not to acknowledge, that lit up with a newfound affectionate curiosity. If this someone could find even that part of her attractive, maybe it wouldn't matter so much in the end who it was. 

A nasty thought slipped into her thoughts after that, stabbing cold and cruel into her already doubtful mind.  _ How could you worry about someone liking your nose when it's your personality that's the real ugly feature? How could anyone love you, let alone like you when inside you're just a hateful bitch? All you ever do is hurt people, you did it even before Voldemort was influencing Purebloods to treat others like shit, I bet even Draco secretly hates your guts!  _

Maybe that's why she was so hesitant to go, to actually meet with her mystery person, because what if it was all a joke and she was the punchline. Karma finally back to bite her on the ass for all the horrible things she'd done. Maybe there would be no person or maybe there'd be lots of people, laughing at her. 

The thoughts continued like a swift stream, raging and racing along, slowly eroding a path through. It was hard to ignore, she had done awful things that much was at the very least true. She usually tried to compensate for her thoughts by putting on a loud personality but Pansy couldn't help to fail now and then. Her defenses failed, her own brain cut into her with a hot blade perfectly designed for her. 

Before she broke down in the library, a very open and full of students place, Pansy collected her things and rushed to the nearest girls bathroom. Ensuring no one else was in there she locked a stall, put down the lid and felt herself crumble into painful self-hatred. 

***

A knock on the stall door made her jump, her frightened squeal eliminating the possibility of pretending she didn't exist. So lost in her own thoughts and emotions Pansy had completely missed someone coming in. She had no idea how long she had been in here but she still didn't feel ready to leave her locked zone of separation. 

"Hello? Are you OK? Can I do anything to help?" A soft lilting voice queried. Pansy quietly wiped her eyes and nose, cast scourgify on herself and unlocked the door. As she exited, she looked up from the floor at who had interrupted her, hair like pale gold and eyes like soft silver met her gaze. 

The first thought through her brain was,  _ pretty face for a pretty voice _ , but she wished it away, not wanting to think on anything she previously had been. 

"I'm fine, bad grade on my potions homework. No need to worry." Pansy deflected, hoping to avoid prying questions into her current state of being. 

"It's funny how much we hurt ourselves over things in our lives, I tend not to worry so much, things will right themselves in the end. They always do." Her wistful smile didn't match the dream-like quality of her voice. How did she comment on exactly what Pansy had been doing, was she a legilimens or something? 

" Wait a minute...Luna? Luna Lovegood? Why are you talking to me?" Pansy wondered in utter surprise, not thinking Luna knew or cared about her outside of the student body's opinion of her, which was pretty standard across the board as far as former Voldemort supporters went. 

Still, there was no disgust or fear on the girls face, nor hatred or ill-intent, perhaps she wouldn't be subjected to more ridicule today due to her past decisions. Even if most of it was self-inflicted. 

"I saw you run in here a little while ago and when I walked past I heard crying, I wanted to make sure everything was OK." A kind honesty seeped through her words, catching Pansy by surprise, far from used to anything of the sort being directed at her. "Is there anything I can do to help? I have a feeling leaving you as is, well it wouldn't be the right course of action." 

"Look...I really do appreciate it, but forgive me if I'm not overly keen to spill my stupid problems to someone I barely know. So unless you know a spell or a potion that will help me become good at decision making, I think I'll keep dealing with this on my own sorry but thanks." The lack of venom in her voice was unnerving for Pansy, usually, she wouldn't speak to a non-Slytherin with anything but disdain. Everything really must have been taking a toll on her if this was her behaviour, though the girl had been friendly towards her. 

With an uncertain half-smile, Pansy squeezed past Luna and headed down towards the Slytherin common room. It didn't escape her notice that she felt calmer after her run-in with the strange Ravenclaw. Perhaps she'd make those choices today after all. 

***

Despite her sliver of positivity that evening, Pansy had several more breakdowns and moments of nervous panic by the time Imbolc came by. She was waiting anxiously in the common room, trying to work up the courage to leave for the lake as well as win the fight to keep her dinner down. Draco was lounging on the other end of the couch, looking annoyingly calm. 

"Look Pansy, I promise you I will be waiting here for you when you get back, with a good portion of my Honeydukes stash and some hugs on offer no matter what the outcome for the night is. Unless of course, you don't end up coming back." Draco raised his eyebrows suggestively at the end. He went from grinning cheekily to breaking out in laughter when Pansy let out an indignant growl and threw a decorative pillow towards his face in penance for his comment. 

"You know I hate you right? You're a great friend Draco, but for now, you're on my 'I hate you' list." Pansy said between his bouts of laughter. 

"I have an unopened box of Salt Water Taffy with your name on it that says different." Draco retorted, a slightly evil grin on his face. 

"You sneaky, cheating bastard! That's not fighting fair!" Pansy grumbled. 

"Pansy darling, I'm a Slytherin and a Malfoy, I don't play fair." Draco winked at her cheekily. At which Pansy started laughing herself. Their lighthearted banter always made her feel better. 

"OK well I guess I better get going, sooner I'm off sooner I can come back and claim that Salt Water Taffy." Pansy giggled, knowing he probably had several boxes amongst his things. 

***

Her black combat boots made loud thudding sounds against the stone floor of the castle. After tearing through everything she owned,  **twice** , Pansy had decided on a pair of dark navy jeans and a forest green wool cardigan with long sleeves. Nothing too fancy, but nice enough. She didn't bother with makeup, knowing she'd probably sweat it off from nerves, her shoulder-length hair loose and wavy. 

She wondered what her mystery person would wear, would they still be in their school robes or would they be wearing something more formal. Worrying at the edges of her sleeves, she checked there was no staff around then slipped through the large entrance hall doors outside into the brisk night air. 

She couldn't see the lake very clearly from her current vantage point, setting a swift pace she hurried down the grassy slopes of the Hogwarts grounds. As she approached, the wind biting at her face, she still couldn't see anyone despite the clear skies above, the full moon lighting the night. She absentmindedly picked out constellations amongst the stars, the few she still remembered from Astronomy classes anyway.

She drew closer still, not a soul in sight, doubt slipped through her cracks ever faster. Had she misinterpreted the note, was there just no one coming to meet her? Crossing her arms against her chest, Pansy began chewing her lip to try to settle herself. 

It was after a little while she noticed the hare on the ground, some parchment loosely attached to it with a piece of ribbon. The sweet little thing made no attempt to run as she got near it. Slowly and with a large amount of caution, Pansy crouched down and reached out to grab the note from it. 

Unable to resist she gave it a quick pet before reading the note, marvelling at the softness of its fur. She would definitely have to talk to her parents about getting some when she was next home. Whispering fondly to it as she rose, Pansy wondered where exactly it was from, 

"Thank you little guy, or girl, I'm not sure. Get home safe now." Unfolding the note she read the words eagerly. 

  
  


_ You've been patiently waiting this long,  _

_ Sorry to make you wait more,  _

_ I just wanted it to be a proper surprise.  _

Soft, slender fingers covered her eyes as she closed the note. She hadn't noticed anyone coming up behind her, this person was good. Pansy could smell lavender, lilac, and honeysuckle with an underlying tone of citrus, sweet but not overwhelming. Lips gently grazed her ear as the person whispered in a familiar voice, 

"I wasn't so sure you were going to be here. Sorry about all the mystery but I didn't think you'd take as well to a standard approach."

Dreamy, a slight lilt, soft and inviting just like before, in the bathroom. Had she actually just happened to be there or was it no accident she was by the library when Pansy had been in there? These and many more thoughts flitted in and out of her brain as she tried to process the situation. 

It was Luna who had been sending the notes, the same Luna that had been there when she cried and didn't make her feel like a piece of crap. Like a sudden wave crashing over her, she flooded with relief. Then a little slower, an odd sensation flowed from the tips of her toes up to the roots of her hair, a bright and bubbly affection swelled from within to consume her. 

This beautiful-hearted girl sent anonymous notes to get her attention, paid attention to her, was there for her before Pansy even realised she wanted or needed someone. She went through every step of this with Pansy in mind, it made her feel seen in a way she'd never experienced before. 

A fierce grin split across her face, closing her eyes she turned around still within Luna's arms. She felt Luna lean her forehead and nose against her own lightly, crossing her arms behind Pansy's neck. 

"I take it you've recognised me by now?", A small nod from Pansy, "Well then how do you feel about the situation? Is this something you have any desire to pursue? I understand if not, no bad will if that's the case." Luna questioned. 

After a short moment of pondering Pansy leaned forward ever so slightly, just enough so her lips would brush against Luna's. The light kiss was quickly returned with a pleased eagerness, lips forming to fit the others, tongues reaching tentatively before seeking further touch. Weaving her hands into Luna's hair, Pansy scraped her nails along her scalp soliciting a groan from Luna. The pressure was increased, Pansy felt the hands around her neck travel slowly downwards to eventually cup her ass, squeezing tightly as Luna did so. 

Time fell to the wayside, she was lost in the moment. Any doubt she had was fast being kissed away, it felt like a comfortable fit, up against Luna like this. It was something she could picture more of in her future. 

Hopefully, those pictures would become reality, for now though she let herself enjoy this. As the moon crossed the sky and minutes ticked by, as spring began to leech into the winter frozen earth and Imbolc began, Pansy felt like this day about new beginnings would involve more than just the pagan celebrations regarding it. 


End file.
